The Dance of Grief and Joy

I've heard it many times before, and in lots of different ways. You won't feel complete in this lifetime. You weren't meant for this world. There will always be an emptiness this side of heaven. There will remain an ache, a void... It's true. All of it.

And lately I'm finding myself stuck in the aching.

I still cry over our failed adoption last fall. I have known grief before, but this somehow feels different. More final. Maybe this is God saying No when I really want to hear a Yes. Then, this fall, another big loss that I can't share just yet. And what I'm struggling the most with now is how to balance that dance of grief and joy. I'm struggling to savor the moments- and the people- right in front of me because the emptiness inside feels more encompassing. I know this isn't how God wants me to live, this dwelling on loss, and I don't want to live this way either.

I want to be fully present and alive and joy-filled with my family! Something in my heart isn't reaching what it's in my head. Or vice versa. I want our moments to count, to really count, and not just go through the motions. I don't want to waste our time together wishing things could be different, always focused on what feels like is missing. Because then I miss out on everything that's right in front of me. And I have been given so very much.

You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.

Psalm 18:28

'In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.'

John 16:33b

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Hebrews 13:8

Minute to Win It Themed Birthday Party

I can't believe our December birthdays are now officially behind us. I feel like if those would just slow down, then Christmas might slow down, then New Year's, and, well, I guess that somehow time would just miraculously stand still for a little bit.

We celebrated Isabelle and Caleb last weekend with a small party with their grandparents, and then Caleb's best friends came over on Saturday afternoon. The weather was beautiful!!, so they all played outside for a bit, which was just plain fabulous after having doped them up on sugar sugar sugar, ha! Caleb had the incredible act of turning 10 on 12/12/12, and this year he turned 12 on 12/12- both very cool!

When we have boys over, I've learned to keep things simple. There's lots of food, of course, and some element of competition/adrenaline. Other than that, I let them be. And then I just smile and don't sweat the small stuff.  =)

Since my birthday is the day before Halloween, obviously I have grown up with everything fall and halloween-related for my brithdays. One of these years I'm going to celebrate my half birthday and have an outdoor fiesta...or maybe my 3/4 and have a pool party? These two will never know their birthdays without Christmas things, and I wonder about whether they'll always like it or not.

Anyhoo. Here are some pics:

I've learned a few things with all the parties that go on around here!  ;)

One thing is to add color- anywhere you can!

 I was super excited to see the SUN again! This has been a dark and kind of dreary winter so far! The balloons on the front porch or lamppost have become a tradition for him.  =)

Simple chips and other snacks with some festive plates and cups. It really doesn't get any easier than that!

 I doubt anyone else gets quite as enthused as I do about these silly little decorations. I just love them all over the counter and tables!

 So thankful for such a nice group of boys! Here they are working hard at transferring marshmallows into the tiny cups with chop sticks. The next round they could use only one hand to hold the sticks...their "opposite" hand, ha!

I always have a few games or activities planned out ahead of time. Nothing says NOT fun like the pressure of trying to make something happen that you aren't prepared for...when a bunch of kids are all waiting on you!

 Shooting stacks of cups is always a favorite. Here they are heckling the shooter to distract him. It worked! They tried with a marshmallow gun and then a nerf gun. So fun!

Since we have outgrown the themed party stage, there is really no need for a specific cake. Caleb happily agreed to a football ice cream cake and - this is sort of a family joke at this point - the old standby snowman cake, typically already marked down on clearance. Nothing but the best for my family, ha! And since we already celebrated with family, I didn't have to bake yet another cake, so...yay! Such a fun afternoon!

Easy Christmas Cookies: Chocolate Dipped Mini-Chip Mexican Wedding Cakes

Good morning! Since I've been spending lots of time in the kitchen lately, I thought I'd share some of our favorite Christmas recipes. I've posted about these little cookies before, but they're too good not to share again!

You're welcome.  ;)

Don't be fooled by their size- these little cookies are big on fabulousness!

 

I've adapted the recipe just a bit from my beloved
Best Ever Nestle Cookie Cookbook.

Chocolate Chip
Mexican Wedding Cakes

1 C (2 sticks) butter, very soft but not melted
1/2 C powdered sugar
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
2 C all-purpose flour (we use unbleached)
2/3 C finely chopped nuts
2 tsp ground cinnamon
2 C semi-sweet mini chocolate chips, divided

Please note that omitting the nuts will make this dough extremely 

coarse and dry, and is therefore not recommended.

Beat butter and powdered sugar until creamy

Add vanilla

Gradually add flour, nuts, and cinnamon 

{the dough will be rather coarse/crumbly once you add in the flour- that's how it's supposed to be}

Stir in 1- 1/2 C morsels

{again, the dough is not uniformly smooth- you'll have chunks and pieces...it's still all good}

Carefully pat or press dough into 1" balls with your fingers, and find a cute helper! **Sometimes the dough gets too crumbly, and I find it easier to scoop up a much larger amount than necessary and sort of squeeze it into shape- the extra (unnecessary) dough "falls away," leaving the perfect-sized ball shape**
 

Place on UNgreased baking sheet or use parchment paper

This is great dough for little hands to work with because it isn't sticky and it's easy to shape.

It's kind of like play-dough.  ;)

Bake in 350 F oven for 10-12 minutes or until light golden brown on bottom
They "puff" but do not spread

There is much anticipation, I tell you. 

Let stand 2 minutes; place on wire racks to cool

Next, melt remaining chocolate (or use a baking chocolate bar to melt if you prefer)

  I add a small dollop of shortening to about a half bag of morsels and microwave on high in 30 second intervals. It usually takes about 2 minutes to melt everything. Stir together until smooth.

If you want to "dip" the cookies in chocolate, I find it easier to hold the cookie in one hand and gently spoon the melted chocolate onto half. Let the extra dribble right back into the bowl. Place cookies on waxed paper to set.

If you're running short on time, drizzle them! Line up the cookies on waxed paper and spoon out some melted chocolate and drizzle over the tops. Repeat in the opposite direction so cookies have lots of chocolate "lines" on them. There will be giant chocolate globs too, but I've never heard anyone complain about that.  =)

 Store in airtight container at room temp. Makes 3 or 4 dozen, depending on how big your cookies are.

Enjoy!
They are sooooo yummy!

I'm planning on sharing some other fun and festive recipes soon, so check back! But for today, I'll be working on preparations for my baby boy's birthday (tomorrow, and he is turning 12, so... not exactly my baby anymore) and party with his friends on Saturday. Have a great day!

Winter Wonderland...and Thanksgiving in the Dark

Not that I think I could ever forget about the Thanksgiving black-out we experienced this year, I thought I should give it some sort of proper documentation. Just in case. The memory does get a big, well, spotty at times.

It's hard to reconcile the beauty of nature with the frustration of being in the cold and dark (when night falls anyway, which is around 4pm here). Overall, we tried to stay upbeat, we counted our many blessings, read Little House books by flickering candlelight (which is actually quite treacherous!), got all cozy with blankets and games, and when we'd just plain had enough, we loaded everyone into the van with a movie and just drove around to get warm and have a little modern-day enjoyment.

Much to my dismay and surprise and all that, I even found myself at our local mall on Thanksgiving night. Isabelle stayed in the car watching Elf (our tradition...well the movie part, not watching it in the car...) while the boys braved the crowds with me. The electricity inside was touch and go, too, so there were literally two cash registers available, and the overhead lights flickered on and off like some horrifying nightclub. Gah. But...we were warm! So truthfully, none of that bothered us terribly much.

By Saturday, though, our spirits were beginning to dip as low as our thermostat. Then the unthinkable happened. Well, I'd actually been thinking of it and had been terrified at the idea for two days at that point as the house grew colder and colder.

Caleb came to me in tears, announcing that his beloved Hulkie the Fish had died.

I had been pretty even-keeled throughout this whole ordeal, but this made me snap a little inside. Sure enough, the gills were not moving and his little fish body was arched in that awful, awkward sideways bend. Looking back, I don't even know why I did what I did because it didn't make any logical sense; but my boy was heartbroken and I had to try to do something.

I filled a plastic baggie with water, held it over all the candles I could find for a few minutes, and then had Caleb scoop the lifeless body out of the fishbowl and into the bag. My mind was going in a million directions but at the same time, I was completely focused on and devoted to the situation at hand. Strange feeling. Wouldn't you know, after twenty or so minutes of holding that baggie over candle flames and gently caressing Hulkie's body, that thing lurched forward and darted around that little bag with a new lease on life! Literally! I was shocked, really shocked, because I have seen my fair share of deceased fish, and this was one.

I looked Caleb in the eye and told him with 100% certainty and seriousness that our God, who created the entire universe and everything in it, does notice the little details in our lives, and He saw fit to give us a miracle that day. I tried to explain that even if Hulk hadn't come back, God still cares and He would be heartbroken right alongside us. But today? Today He let us have the miracle! Truthfully, I had an awful time even trying to explain this, because it felt like I might be saying that God didn't care if Hulk didn't recover, or worse, that God wasn't still good if he didn't.

So we had a Thanksgiving Blackout miracle! Or else you can call me the Fish Whisperer.

On Saturday afternoon, we bundled up again and headed to a local tree farm where they have a big fire going and lots of hot cocoa for the taking. Oh it was so wonderful! We even got our power back on that night in time to sit by the glow of the Christmas tree for a long while and just be. I don't think I could have stomached one more trip to the mall just to get warm, ha!

Oh, so on Thanksgiving morning, we went to...McDonald's. Along with the rest of our city apparently. Lines were all the way down the road! Then we headed to my parents, also without power, and had hot coffee and sausage biscuits and hash browns for Thanksgiving dinner. And pie.  ;)  The power did return a few hours later, so we threw that turkey in and enjoyed a nice meal around 7 that night. We were supposed to have dessert with the hub's side, but when things changed, we were sort of uninvited. That wasn't the greatest feeling, but at least we didn't have to feel bad about not running around everywhere like we usually do.

And our wonderful neighbors, who have a generator, hosted the two fish for the rest of the power outage. And they are still happy and healthy today!

We always have so much for which to be thankful, but on this day, we were reeeeaaalllly thankful for sunshine, fire, and hot cocoa!