Thursday, August 22, 2013
ADOPTION and Grieving Loss. And Moving Forward.
That title doesn't seem to match up with all the pictures, but I suppose it does show that life moves on, even in the midst of loss and grief. All day yesterday my mind just played and replayed the events of the past week, the ones where my heart was ready to explode with happiness because of our new baby girl and all of the details surrounding her soon-to-be birth, which all seemed so incredibly perfect. The joy very nearly erased the pain of waiting these two long years, eased the pain of rejection after rejection from birth families who were looking for something, someone, else. Browsing through aisle after aisle of newborn girl onesies and socks and sleepers, all because I could. I was in heaven! It has been over ten years since I've had an infant in our home, and I'm glad I was alone in the store because I was probably squealing louder than I thought I was. =) I loved every moment I had shopping for Isabelle and making her little outfits, but the circumstances of her adoption were extremely different, and we did not have the first 19 months together. We were tossing names back and forth (I've always had my favorites...now just to get the other person on board, ha) and setting up furniture in our bedroom. Dreaming, quietly and out loud, celebrating, counting down the days, finding airline tickets, making plans and lists for parents who will take over in our absence...
And then, the phone call. Not the good one, the bad one. The one that leaves you breathless, desperate, confused and heartbroken. There are so many details that I can't possibly explain them all here. There were several calls that day, each progressively less hopeful. And by the end of the day, we had our answer: No. No, this adoption could not happen. No, there was nothing we could do about it. No, this was not our baby. No. No. No. We have so much to be thankful for, and even through this pain, we feel God's presence and protection over us. My heart aches for those who endure these trials without knowing God's peace and love because it makes all the difference.
So the good things? A beautiful trip to the ocean with my Mom. A new clothesline and sheets hanging out to dry. Gaggles of turkeys waddling through the yard in the early morning. Late-night hot fudge sundaes for the newest member of the high school soccer team after three days of intense try-outs (Go Ethan!!!!!!!). Doing girly things with my girl. Laughter with friends. And quiet times. Discovering new things I enjoy sewing, and even knitting again! **At the recommendation of family and friends, I'm going to sell some of the baby things I'm making, so I'm adding some things to my shop...let me know what you think!** I know everyone faces grief and loss for all sorts of different reasons. Some people shrink and withdraw and become bitter, others move forward with joy and grace and hope. I hope I'm more of the latter. If anyone who is reading this is struggling today, know that I am praying for you. I want to do something else, too-- if you're waiting on becoming a mother either though adoption or pregnancy, or simply dreaming about it and wondering if your dream will ever come true, I want to encourage you to hang on! I don't have any specific answers for you but I do believe with all my heart that God knows you AND your dreams, and He is faithful and wants THE VERY BEST FOR YOU! I remember a special little outfit I had gotten for Isabelle during the long wait to be with her, and every time I looked at it and held it close to my heart, I felt hopeful. I would love to be able to offer a little bit of hope to someone who is struggling right now, so I'm going to do a giveaway from my Etsy shop tomorrow. This can be for you or someone you know, a coworker, neighbor, sister, close friend.... anyone! Stop by tomorrow and I'll have the details.
Have a wonderful, hope-filled day!