What an eventful December!

This December, in the midst of celebrating the birthdays of our two youngest, we also packed up our home and moved. Whew. I mean, whew! Moving is stress-free and totally awesome, said NO ONE EVER. Moving while six months pregnant... don't think I need to even go there. It was pretty miserable, but we got through it thanks to some dedicated friends and our parents. (Plus, these boys of ours are strong now, so they were a huge help!)

I know I haven't written very regularly over these past several months, but I'm looking forward to jotting down my thoughts a bit more. I really don't want to forget the details, and this is such a great way of recording all of them. Yet between homeschooling, morning sickness, the stress of keeping the house show-ready and then having to leave for hours at a time at random times, it was impossible for me. And speaking of school, everyone has been enrolled in our new local schools for several weeks now and they are loving it. We all are. It was exactly what we'd been needing and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I miss them all during the day and I have fond memories of the special things we've done, but they are happy, and I am happy. I've definitely had my moments of guilt, but after much prayer and reflection, this is the path God led us to and things couldn't feel better for us right now.

It's been a little crazy trying to decorate for Christmas at the same time as unpacking boxes and organizing things around the new house, but this move has been a smooth one. It hasn't been filled with angst and regret like our other move three years ago. We feel so thankful to be here.

I have to go say goodnight to my little boy who is not so little anymore. I'm so glad he still asks me to come in and tuck him in and say prayers together. Here he is graduating from Basic Training, top in his class! We're so proud of him and so happy for him- he's been talking about serving in the military and flying planes since he was a really little guy! What a joy as a parent to help him achieve his goals and dreams.

Here are some pics of all our happenings...

SAVORING THE DAYS OF SUMMER

Every time I get the idea to sit and jot some thoughts down, there are generally about a hundred other things that are vying for my time and energy...and they're usually the things that win out. Good stuff, like deep conversations with my children, prepping and packing lunches for days spent at the beach with friends or just us, extra long walks, making yummy stuff for breakfast, lingering with a great book...all good stuff!

Last night, a booming light-up-the-sky thunder and lightning storm passed over to bring us some much needed rain. It was pretty cool to watch and listen to. Normally, these storms are accompanied by ferocious gusts of wind. And I don't do wind. Scares me to death and sets a panic in me like nothing else. Anyhoo. It was just bright bursts of lightning with rolling thunder echoing in the night, and very little wind. It just started raining again this morning, which is wonderful because we desperately need it.

I've also been up to my eyeballs in planning out our homeschool year. I have lots of goals and hopes for this year, but mostly I want to be able to let go of all the expectations and simply enjoy being with my children. When I look back on my education, which was a solid one, I remember very little. It all seems to blur together. I'm really hoping that we will make some wonderful, life-lasting memories together this year, so I've been trying to plan our year with lots of fun field trips to coincide with our learning. It's a challenge! At times, I feel so nervous and overwhelmed, so I try to remember that nothing is perfect. Ever. And that that's okay.

We are finally at the stage of summer where nobody else is leaving me for summer camp, ha. Like most Mamas, I know I sleep much sounder when we're all under the same roof. Of course there's bickering and arguing, complaining and selfish attitudes- the very things that make us human- but there is so much more. I've been pondering the fragility of life lately, specifically the heartbreak of women who long to be mothers, and I know I have been blessed. On my hardest days, I know I have what others would give anything for. And I don't want to take that for granted.

Along with pondering life, I'm determined to slow down and enjoy things more. To really savor all the things- and people- around me. I have enjoyed walking around our yard early in the morning when I'm watering the veggies, thinking, praying, planning, and then simply being. Yes, literally. I can stand and gaze at my cucumbers and roses and whatever else is growing for several minutes, just taking it all in and enjoying each thing. Does that sound strange? Oh well, I'm telling you, it's true.

Whew, now that was quite the update. I am too anxious to mention that we'll be celebrating our nearly-sixteen-year-old's birthday soon because it just doesn't seem possible, so I won't just yet. =) Hope you have a nice day today and get to savor something, too. Sharing a few photos of pretty things around our house...enjoy!

HOMESCHOOLING UPDATE

I know I haven't talked about homeschooling much lately, and that's probably because this past fall left me feeling like a big fat homeschooling failure. I love so much about it, but it's really, really hard! I have to remember that I'm no veteran, and I never even planned on homeschooling our children at these stages; it just sort of happened after Ethan's accident. Those probably sound like excuses, but that isn't what I mean. This is all new to me, every single thing, and the learning process- for all of us- takes time.

When I first began full-time last year, I was easily spending five to six hours daily on preparing, prepping, organizing and simply finding information. Then I was creating all of my own worksheets and assignments. Combine that with the actual time spent learning and teaching together, and I think it's fairly obvious to guess what soon followed: complete and total burnout.

Through tears and confusion, I confessed to my husband that I had bitten off more than I could chew. I couldn't handle it, wasn't equipped for it, and honestly, the thought of spending those countless hours in a constant state of rigid planning and overseeing threatened to undo me completely. The rewards were few, the tensions skyrocketed.

I was ready to quit, but I just couldn't. Our private schools are so few, and none of them is a great fit, and our public schools have taken quite the downward spiral in recent years. It's so, so sad. Two of our children don't like taking online classes. This doesn't leave me with loads of options. I continued to pray about it all, trusting that whatever in my heart needed fixing or softening would be fixed and softened, and that I could move forward in peace with something, at least.

After several fruitful conversations with other homeschooling friends about what worked for them, we decided that we'd go ahead and purchase some curriculum, something I hadn't wanted to do because I was afraid it would be money poorly spent, that I wouldn't like them. After browsing sites for a month (or more!), creating detailed lists of pros and cons, I reluctantly settled on one. I scoured eBay to find lots of the suggested supplemental items and materials. Sure, we had fun last summer, but in my mind it will always be replayed as that summer I sat at the computer  (or with one on my lap) on the hunt for the best homeschool materials.

Well, the materials finally came. And I knew immediately that I hated almost everything. And, they had cost a pretty penny.

I was heartbroken.

By the end of September, I'd ditched the curriculum entirely. It was a terrible fit, nobody enjoyed it, I was sour thinking about the wasted time and money. I became angry and sullen, and I was in the middle of trying to deal with a personal devastation, sewing orders were coming in left and right- which is great, but time was something I didn't have. I arranged for the two younger boys to attend math and science classes at the local school at the end of October, and they loved it. They were excited again. Within two weeks, we enrolled them full time.

To say that I didn't walk around my home, truly enjoying the quiet for days on end, would be a lie. The pressure was lifted. I could breathe a little easier again. I smiled more. I met up with friends for coffee or lunch. (Ethan is a completely independent learner and doesn't need me for much instruction; plus, he's also very responsible.) But soon the quiet grew too loud, the newness of school wore off, and we were all missing each other. More changes ensued, and now we have quite the assortment of full-time and part-time homeschooling.

There will be even more changes next year (well, this summer, since we do light work in the summer), but I'm confident that they will work out. I'm learning to trust the instincts that God has given me in regards to what works for us and what doesn't, but if I'm being completely honest, I'm still quite baffled by the whole thing/process/situation. Bottom line is: I love my children and want the very best for them; I want to know them in a way that I've never felt known by my parents (I love my parents!); I don't want to waste my days with them because they are truly so fleeting.

I wrestle with guilt every single day. I wonder if I'm enough every single day. I struggle with it all, every single day. I know this is not how the Lord wants me to continue, and it is only through Him that I'm capable in the first place. My prayer is simply that where He leads me, I will follow. And that, truthfully, is where joy springs forth and peace prevails.

Spring is finally settling in around here. Yesterday I had three loads of laundry hanging out on the line! These lilacs aren't in bloom quite yet, but like the rebirth of the earth and trees and flowers, they hold such hope in the things yet to come. That's how I want to look ahead to our years together: filled with the hope of all that is to come.

 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

Back to School

Argh, it's getting late already and I forgot to make lunch last night, you know, to be organized and all that jazz.  =) We had the very best First Day yesterday! I'll be documenting the details later, but for now will show off share this picture of these two great boys who are awesome brothers to each other (most of the time!). They were so sweet to me yesterday, not even arguing or complaining when I asked if they would wear something nice for pictures of their first day. And then they proceeded to clean up their rooms and make their beds super nicely, which of course they were eager to show me. What a way to start off the year! 

Obviously, back to school means something very different for me now than it did when they, well, went to school. I'm on call, now as Mom AND Teacher, which comes with its challenges. But the rewards? The rewards are more than I could ever dream! Since I'm always interested in how other mothers go about their day- maybe I'm just super nosy???- I thought it might be fun to highlight one of mine. It's not that I think I've ultra organized and efficient and simply must share my wisdom...no, I just want to savor these days, challenges and all, and have this as a record to look back on.

Plus, I think we all have such unique gifts to offer and share, and I've learned so much from so many different women. Okay, I'm off, and maybe today I won't forget to put a drink in poor Isabelle's lunch, ha.  ;)

(I'll share her pics later! How did my baby get so big?!?)

Have a great day!

Making Plans For A New School Year

Here we are, dipping our freshly-polished toes into August already. Tomorrow is Ethan's birthday. 15. I seriously just had a mini panic attack right here even thinking about. It simply doesn't seem possible.

Like most parents, or at least Moms, I've been spending a good deal of time contemplating the brand new school year, now on the immediate horizon. I'm super excited for lots of reasons, but honestly, I'm nervous and feeling a bit guilty too. The question of keeping Isabelle at home with the boys for school has come up, oh, about a million and a half times now, and I just don't have peace about it. Not that I have tremendous peace about her going off either. It's tricky. I don't feel called to homeschool elementary grades (the thought gives me hives and the sweats, actually), and she is extremely social and wants to go to school. But I will miss her and don't like doing things without her.

I'm also continually nervous that I'm not enough for my boys. Will they learn what they need to? How will their character grow, be tested, and thrive? How will I ever have a clean house again? (I'm not joking. I wish I were, but I'm not. HA) I have tons of great ideas, or rather, ideas that look great on paper, but then reality rears its ugly head and the challenges abound. I've learned plenty about myself- quirks and all- and I need a schedule. It can be a loose one, but it still has to be there. I'm pleased with the unit studies I've mapped out so far- they just need a bit more tweaking. So that's good. =)

I think I'm also feeling kind of lonely and ungrounded. I keep barking at my kids to read their Bibles and do their devotions, but I haven't been reading, praying and studying. I don't even know why. Apathy? Busyness? Too much self-reliance? Yes, yes, and yes. And I'm sure there's more. It makes me sick with worry, and I feel like if I'm not a perfect example to my children of what a Christian should be, then they will fail. Or rather, I am setting them up for failure. Believe me, I realize how utterly ridiculous and even self-absorbed that may seem, but I get sucked back into that faulty mentality time and time again. God can- AND WILL- use me despite my many flaws and mistakes. Just like He will use all of those who love and seek Him.

I'm sorry for the rambling on; I didn't realize all of that was on my mind until my fingers started typing. I also hope that if you're feeling this way, or have in the past, that you'll be encouraged today, too.

Commit your way to the Lord,

Trust also in Him,

And He will do it.

Psalm 37:5

It's pretty hard not to feel God's presence and magnificence when you're standing on a mountaintop, looking out over all that He has created, so I thought this would be a good picture for this post. Have a great day!!!

Thinking, Planning, Dreaming

I was going to write about my Girl's Day with Isabelle and my Mom, and then maybe post that recipe for the blueberry coffeecake, but... my mind is seriously mushy after spending multiple hours this week researching curriculum guides, text book options, non-text book options, making school schedules, chore schedules, cooking schedules and all that craziness.

And well, the thing on my mind and heart at the moment is just this: what a beautiful opportunity I have to spend this time with my children.

I don't have to be perfect (never gonna happen anyway), I don't have to have the perfect outline or schedule or whatever. I can simply love my kids. I can invest in their hearts and minds. I can be there for them, as we work and play, but also as we navigate the community and world around us.

And I can be thankful for this amazing, challenging, life-changing opportunity.

And whatsoever ye do, be in it in word or deed,

do all in the name of the Lord Jesus,

giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

                                                                                                                             Colossians 3:17

I hope you are encouraged today, as I have been this whole week. Have a fun-filled, exciting, amazing day!

Finding Our New Normal and a Homeschooling Question

Hey folks! How funny that today of all days I begin to write about "schedules" and new routines and such, and then I realize that it's nearly 11:00 and we've done diddly squat so far today. My sewing was thwarted by some bizarre cuticle-bleeding incident. Groceries are still sitting on the store shelves because the dog didn't poop or urinate on his walk this morning, and I had to rush back home with him after drop-offs instead. Ethan had a headache last night and just got up a half an hour ago. And I have cramps. Oh, was that too much? Sorry.

You know what? Sometimes diddly squat is exactly what you need. Sometimes.

A teensy part of the problem may also be that I got sucked into reading adoption this and that, and now I'm feeling down. It's almost too overwhelming today. Here we are, aching to do a good thing, and it just isn't happening. God's timing, I know. I know. But it's still hard.

Sooooo...I would love to hear from you homeschoolers who (happily) keep a "looser" schedule. What kinds of things have worked well for you? Do you still use specific curricula? I really have little (zero) intention of adhering to a firm schedule. My boys are older, self-motivated, and avid readers, so I plan on giving them time and space in order to explore their own interests. I'm really looking forward to this kind of learning!

And to all the field trips. Let's be honest here.

Oh! Apparently my self-motivated eldest already completed a new Spanish vocabulary list before I sat down to write this. (Maybe it's just me having a diddly squat kind of day then! Now he's reading a thick historical novel about Nero and persecution, something I know I never read about in my high school years.)

And now we're going to watch a movie. I could call it educational. But I won't.  =)

I hope to be back tomorrow with a fabulous cookie recipe! Have a great day!

Time Management. (And a First!)

Yeah, I don't have any lately. That's my problem.  =)

Since this blog is mainly my online journal, I didn't want the day to get ahead of me without commemorating its significance. It's kind of a big day for us.

Today marks my first official day as a Homeschooling parent.

Wait a sec.

Today marks my First Official Day as a Homeschooling Parent!!!!!

You know how sometimes what you're saying doesn't actually sink in until you hear yourself say it? Yeah, same here.

I'm hopeful, excited, a little nervous, and eager to learn along the way. Poor/Lucky (however one might describe it) Ethan is the first guinea pig student, and Jonah will follow suit soon. We are still deciding what is best for Caleb and Isabelle, but we will continue to discuss and pray as we have thus far.

So I had better get that time management thing under my belt for good! Wish me luck! ;)

Here is a picture of my adorable 3rd grade Ethan, on our first albeit short-lived homeschool adventure.
Isn't he just the cutest little guy?

I'm much more optimistic about homeschooling this time around. The circumstances were different then. And I don't do well with small children. So there's that.  =)

I have to throw this photo in too...just look at those handsome little boys!
This was taken along the coast in Boothbay Harbor, Maine, near where my Dad grew up and we have various relatives scattered about. The tie-dye shirts C and J are sporting were their own creations from our trial homeschool art class a few days before. Those shirts fared better than the trial. ;)

Oh how quickly the years fly by. I intend on making the most out of them all.

Hope you all have a wonderful week!