Like most parents, or at least Moms, I've been spending a good deal of time contemplating the brand new school year, now on the immediate horizon. I'm super excited for lots of reasons, but honestly, I'm nervous and feeling a bit guilty too. The question of keeping Isabelle at home with the boys for school has come up, oh, about a million and a half times now, and I just don't have peace about it. Not that I have tremendous peace about her going off either. It's tricky. I don't feel called to homeschool elementary grades (the thought gives me hives and the sweats, actually), and she is extremely social and wants to go to school. But I will miss her and don't like doing things without her.
I'm also continually nervous that I'm not enough for my boys. Will they learn what they need to? How will their character grow, be tested, and thrive? How will I ever have a clean house again? (I'm not joking. I wish I were, but I'm not. HA) I have tons of great ideas, or rather, ideas that look great on paper, but then reality rears its ugly head and the challenges abound. I've learned plenty about myself- quirks and all- and I need a schedule. It can be a loose one, but it still has to be there. I'm pleased with the unit studies I've mapped out so far- they just need a bit more tweaking. So that's good. =)
I think I'm also feeling kind of lonely and ungrounded. I keep barking at my kids to read their Bibles and do their devotions, but I haven't been reading, praying and studying. I don't even know why. Apathy? Busyness? Too much self-reliance? Yes, yes, and yes. And I'm sure there's more. It makes me sick with worry, and I feel like if I'm not a perfect example to my children of what a Christian should be, then they will fail. Or rather, I am setting them up for failure. Believe me, I realize how utterly ridiculous and even self-absorbed that may seem, but I get sucked back into that faulty mentality time and time again. God can- AND WILL- use me despite my many flaws and mistakes. Just like He will use all of those who love and seek Him.
I'm sorry for the rambling on; I didn't realize all of that was on my mind until my fingers started typing. I also hope that if you're feeling this way, or have in the past, that you'll be encouraged today, too.
Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him,
And He will do it.
It's pretty hard not to feel God's presence and magnificence when you're standing on a mountaintop, looking out over all that He has created, so I thought this would be a good picture for this post. Have a great day!!!