And lately I'm finding myself stuck in the aching.
I still cry over our failed adoption last fall. I have known grief before, but this somehow feels different. More final. Maybe this is God saying No when I really want to hear a Yes. Then, this fall, another big loss that I can't share just yet. And what I'm struggling the most with now is how to balance that dance of grief and joy. I'm struggling to savor the moments- and the people- right in front of me because the emptiness inside feels more encompassing. I know this isn't how God wants me to live, this dwelling on loss, and I don't want to live this way either.
I want to be fully present and alive and joy-filled with my family! Something in my heart isn't reaching what it's in my head. Or vice versa. I want our moments to count, to really count, and not just go through the motions. I don't want to waste our time together wishing things could be different, always focused on what feels like is missing. Because then I miss out on everything that's right in front of me. And I have been given so very much.
You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
'In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.'
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.