Another huge blow in our adoption journey has left me feeling like a raw nerve, perpetually at the ready to feel more sensation -pain- than I can handle.
Parenthood has been particularly challenging this week. I have felt like a failure so many times in the course of just one day that it's really the only feeling left in me. Failure. Yikes. That's so hard.
Not only have I wondered why, but how. How to get unstuck, to capture moments of joy and name them for what they are. I don't want to waste time, to let these days pass me by without cherishing them. But sometimes it's just so hard.
We decided to hit the road and venture out to the coast yesterday after lunch. It was a beautiful day- perfect weather, laughter, sand between summer sun-abandoned toes, that magnificence of the vast sea which makes you feel so small in this great big world. And then the other stuff, impossible to tune out no matter how hard I tried. Cruel words, fits, rages, tears, callousness, grumbling, just plain meanness. The joy sucker-outers.
I tried. I really did! I can't say the battle was won, but I was trying. I hope that's better than giving up.
Here are some of the moments and scenes I wanted to hang onto:
This Mama and her little girl caught my attention- they were both so cute!
Poor Mama could not get her to look into the camera, but she kept on trying!
These photos were taken at Rye Harbor State Park. From there we headed south to Hampton Beach, where we hoped to let Ryder run free, but...4 horses were trotting along the shore and we were terrified of what Ryder might do to them. When we thought they were a safe distance away, we let Rydie off, only to have them circle back around and end up right where we were. Slightly annoying, though they were absolutely stunning to watch.
All of my pictures from the beachy part of our day are on instagram - you can find me here if you want to see.
Then my parents came over to celebrate birthdays- my Mom and I are exactly 2 weeks (plus a few years) apart, so we ate dinner together -and ate ice cream cake, my favorite!- and watched a movie. Bill rented Parental Guidance last month and to my surprise, I loved it! Like, LOVED it! I enjoyed listening to my Mom and Dad howl in laughter at all the same parts we do, too. It's a great family film, and it's incredibly touching. Keep your Kleenex close at hand.
Today half of us aren't feeling well. Scratchy throats, upset stomachs, a variety of ills. I don't have it in me to get us to church. Which makes me feel even lousier. Maybe ice cream cake for breakfast will do the trick?
Friday night we had some friends over for the kiddos, and it was such a tepid, gorgeous night that we all played in the backyard with glow sticks. A trillion stars twinkled overhead. Lots of belly laughter. Friends. I was trying that night, too, and I'm glad because none of it would have happened otherwise.
Lastly, I realize that I did not get even one photo of everyone together on Halloween. FAIL. That's never happened before! Ethan still isn't back to normal, so he didn't even want to go. At the time, I suppose I didn't think much of that, but now, looking back, I don't like it at all. Makes him seem to grown up, and the years are racing by too quickly as it is.
I am glad, however, that I spent the time doing the little photo session with Isabelle ahead of time because it was pouring rain on the night of Halloween. After her friend's party, and then the rain...well, it's safe to say the dress is already past its prime. I know she'll enjoy dressing up this winter, though, and I won't have to worry about her messing it up then at least. Ha
Caleb the wounded soldier- that red food coloring on gauze looked SO real!
Jonah the evil pig- Don't ask. I didn't. Just went with it. Bill did the pink make-up for him.
And Cinderella, complete with sparkly eye shadow and lipsticked lips. She was really happy!