In looking for pictures for my grandmother's funeral last week, I stumbled upon these gems. I didn't have a blog when my boys were really small, and so I'm sure I've forgotten some of the details, but we really had so much fun together. These boys were my whole life for nearly eight years until Isabelle came along. I cherished my time with them. And I miss those days like crazy. Then I began blogging, mainly because it gave me something positive to do while enduring that awful wait until we brought her home. And I met lots of other Mamas, and we even became friends.
But things feel different now. I miss those friendships and don't know where- or why- they've gone. Blogging - and reading blogs- doesn't feel as fun anymore; it feels more like a business endeavor. I'm also human, and my heart and stomach feel a little sick that not one person thought to comment on the passing of my grandmother last week. I know I've said that this blog is ultimately a journal for me, a way to help me remember our days together, but I would be lying if I said I hadn't been disappointed in the lack of connection with other readers that I once felt.
I'm a real person, with real hurts and failures and struggles, and I'm struggling with this lately. I'm not sure where I fit into this "world" anymore. I'm trying to live a simple God-honoring life, raise our children well and with intentionality, create family togetherness and memories as well as inspire in them the desire to live for Christ, raise money for our next adoption, make time for friendships- which I struggle greatly with- and tackle projects around the house and in the garden...and the list goes on and on. But mostly, I'm trying desperately to value a life lived with less stuff and more living. The important things. The things that truly matter. This is not the encouragement I'm finding in the blog world recently, and it has become a stumbling block for me. I want to be fully present for my family, not wondering why no one has commented on this or that, or which photograph would draw the most attention from readers. Or conversely, secretly getting angry over the latest ridiculous splurge on jewelry, shoes, clothing, or this incessant need to change our homes from one day to the next, never content to just...be. To be glad that we have running water, beds, bathrooms, the means to clean our homes and provide for our families in this way. I'm beginning to see now that God protected me, as well as my time with my boys when they were small, so that I could be fully present for them. I'm human, and I'm needy for praise and attention, which is what blogging filled for me a while back; but what I'm really after is the adoration of my heavenly Father. What I really want to do is to live for Him, to run to Him with my hurts and fears and questions, and rely
Our time here is so, so short. If blogging helps draw me to Christ, or helps others in that way, then I'm all in. If it fosters encouragement and fellowship, fun ideas and just a sense of friendly community, I'll keep at it with a glad heart and a smile on my face. This what I'll be praying about. If anyone reading this has similar thoughts/struggles, or if you're just feeling tired and worn out, or perhaps without direction, then I will be praying for you as well. We Mamas need the Lord and his wisdom and guidance, but we need each other, too. Hope your day is a blessed one. =)
addendum: I don't think there is anything wrong with blogging for income; that isn't what I meant to imply. But that isn't what blogging started out for me as, and now I'm uncertain of where/how my blog fits in anywhere. I didn't mean to sound hypocritical.