My beautiful daughter, after meeting and having tea with Cinderella -
one of the happiest days of her little life!
one of the happiest days of her little life!
{Story Land in Glen, NH}
To check out other great entries, click on the link below.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
ADOPTION: Disappointments & Hope
As I write this, our family may be changing. Expanding. It sounds like a good, giddy-happy thing. And I know I should be glad for the chance, reveling in the hope.
But hope lately seems to waver and wane. I wonder what I will do if -when?- it dries up and disappears completely. Let me back up a little.
When we set out to adopt Isabelle, I falsely assumed that God would allow the process to be quick, smooth, painless. And, oh. It nearly undid me. The longer and more agonizing the journey became, when the laws and the people involved and even the profoundly stupid things like the notary's signatures not looking "neat enough" threatened to break me, I clung to hope. It's all I had on my darkest days. Its glow might have been dim, trying to cut through thick, foggy thoughts of despair, but it remained.
Then that night.
That phone call.
I locked myself away in my dark closet for hours, shimmied up against the wall under the shelf that held our winter blankets. I never thought the tears would stop coming that night. My heart had had it. No more, I cried. No more pain, no more suffering, no more risking.
I suppose what I was really saying was, No more hoping.
The laws in Guatemala were changing again, and after a series of events directly related to our case, I felt certain that I would never again see my baby girl. (I had traveled the thousands of miles to Guatemala twice to spend time with her at this point.) There really are no words for that feeling, that frenzied angst and desperation. All the while, I heard the fear in my little boys' voices, wondering what was wrong with Mommy, why wouldn't Mommy come out to eat dinner, to kiss them goodnight. That was the second most gut-wrenching and horrifying night of my entire life. And all throughout that night, I wrestled with what I knew to be true.
God is good. Always.
His plan is perfect. Always.
His timing is perfect. Always.
It became my mantra. My hushed prayer-cry in the dark. And Jesus met me there, weeping alongside me, inviting me to trust.
But how?
As I sat crumpled in a heap under that blanket shelf, I felt Jesus whisper back to me. Just keep moving forward. Let Me handle the details. There was more, and it was so sweet, and in time I realized that I could trust His heavenly perspective. The things I'll never know or see or understand here on earth, the problems, the glitches- He saw all of it, and while I couldn't control or handle any of it, He could. He can, and He does. And that became my hope renewed.
So I thought I'd learned that hope lesson well. I thought I'd never again struggle with that feeling of losing hope, yet here I am, in that pit once more.
It began with the same false assumption that this adoption would be easy. That surely God would bless us with a speedy and easy process after having endured not only my personal crisis earlier on, but especially after having been so ripped apart by Isabelle's adoption.
I do wonder why this has been so hard. Someone needs a family, and we are here, wanting to bring her home and love her. That sounds pretty simple. Why the complications, the setbacks? We have faced dozens of rejections, several after allowing myself to get excited no matter how much I scolded myself for doing so. I'm not sure if that means the same thing to someone reading this who has never experienced it. Each and every rejection is painful and raw. Why doesn't someone want me to be a mother to their baby? How am I not measuring up? Am I not good enough? The list goes on and on, if I let it.
And then the baby who was to be placed in our loving arms, and then who wasn't.
But I don't want to be a hope-less person. I don't want to be bitter and hide away from the rest of the world, to stop dreaming because of my fear in hoping they might ever come true. So while life hurts, and even while my reluctant heart still aches, I will choose hope because I really believe that God is good, that His plan is perfect, and that His timing is perfect. Always.
I don't have to know all the details, I just have to keep moving forward.
But hope lately seems to waver and wane. I wonder what I will do if -when?- it dries up and disappears completely. Let me back up a little.
When we set out to adopt Isabelle, I falsely assumed that God would allow the process to be quick, smooth, painless. And, oh. It nearly undid me. The longer and more agonizing the journey became, when the laws and the people involved and even the profoundly stupid things like the notary's signatures not looking "neat enough" threatened to break me, I clung to hope. It's all I had on my darkest days. Its glow might have been dim, trying to cut through thick, foggy thoughts of despair, but it remained.
Then that night.
That phone call.
I locked myself away in my dark closet for hours, shimmied up against the wall under the shelf that held our winter blankets. I never thought the tears would stop coming that night. My heart had had it. No more, I cried. No more pain, no more suffering, no more risking.
I suppose what I was really saying was, No more hoping.
The laws in Guatemala were changing again, and after a series of events directly related to our case, I felt certain that I would never again see my baby girl. (I had traveled the thousands of miles to Guatemala twice to spend time with her at this point.) There really are no words for that feeling, that frenzied angst and desperation. All the while, I heard the fear in my little boys' voices, wondering what was wrong with Mommy, why wouldn't Mommy come out to eat dinner, to kiss them goodnight. That was the second most gut-wrenching and horrifying night of my entire life. And all throughout that night, I wrestled with what I knew to be true.
God is good. Always.
His plan is perfect. Always.
His timing is perfect. Always.
It became my mantra. My hushed prayer-cry in the dark. And Jesus met me there, weeping alongside me, inviting me to trust.
But how?
As I sat crumpled in a heap under that blanket shelf, I felt Jesus whisper back to me. Just keep moving forward. Let Me handle the details. There was more, and it was so sweet, and in time I realized that I could trust His heavenly perspective. The things I'll never know or see or understand here on earth, the problems, the glitches- He saw all of it, and while I couldn't control or handle any of it, He could. He can, and He does. And that became my hope renewed.
So I thought I'd learned that hope lesson well. I thought I'd never again struggle with that feeling of losing hope, yet here I am, in that pit once more.
It began with the same false assumption that this adoption would be easy. That surely God would bless us with a speedy and easy process after having endured not only my personal crisis earlier on, but especially after having been so ripped apart by Isabelle's adoption.
I do wonder why this has been so hard. Someone needs a family, and we are here, wanting to bring her home and love her. That sounds pretty simple. Why the complications, the setbacks? We have faced dozens of rejections, several after allowing myself to get excited no matter how much I scolded myself for doing so. I'm not sure if that means the same thing to someone reading this who has never experienced it. Each and every rejection is painful and raw. Why doesn't someone want me to be a mother to their baby? How am I not measuring up? Am I not good enough? The list goes on and on, if I let it.
And then the baby who was to be placed in our loving arms, and then who wasn't.
But I don't want to be a hope-less person. I don't want to be bitter and hide away from the rest of the world, to stop dreaming because of my fear in hoping they might ever come true. So while life hurts, and even while my reluctant heart still aches, I will choose hope because I really believe that God is good, that His plan is perfect, and that His timing is perfect. Always.
I don't have to know all the details, I just have to keep moving forward.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding.
Psalm 3:5
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Thoughts of Autumn. And a Tablescape
Good Tuesday morning to you! We had such a great weekend, filled with friends and great food and family- love weekends like that! Today, the sun shines brilliant against the happy, breathtaking blue and the trees in our backyard have begun to burst with the most fantastic crimsons and oranges and yellows. It is so beautiful here in New England!
It's no secret that our dining room here isn't my favorite space of all time (and I really miss our old dining room, sigh.). It serves double duty now as both a music studio...well, actually triple duty if you consider that the family dog, Ryder, has the monopoly on one corner (his crate fits nowhere else here), and of course, the actual eating part. Furthermore, while waiting to find just the right hutch off Craig's List, my sideboard is really on old TV stand. It's not perfect, but it works for now. So with all that in mind, here's our dining room (and a peek at the kitchen table).
I adore pumpkins and apples, and you can't really ever go wrong when adding those to the mix for fall.
I entertained the idea of putting out table settings, but it just isn't practical with this big family of mine. Meaning, all the plates are in the dishwasher. ;)
My mother made me the two napkins that I've used as a small table runner right after I got married. I remember that thrill of setting my little newlywed table in our equally little first apartment with these gorgeous napkins from my Mom. I love looking at them and remembering those days.
I love candles too! The ceramic one is Hazelnut Latte, and it always makes me crave coffee - it smells that good! The children take turns lighting the pillars each night at dinner. Candlelight makes everything seem extra special.
The runner is from Guatemala during our stay there while completing Isabelle's adoption. We used to watch the women weaving along the streets and in certain little alleys during our walks into the center of town. Such special memories.
The kitchen table is visible from the dining room, so I keep a simple bowl of fruit and some flowers on it.
Here's a quick look at the dining room's humble beginnings... our very first time walking through last September, when it was used a family room:
(I guess that corner is destined for pianos, ha)
Here it is in late October with freshly painted ceilings- I think they're still wet in this picture!-- but I'm not entirely sure if we'd painted the walls yet or not. That carpet was so, so dirty. Really dirty. I was ecstatic the day we ripped that out and gave it the ole heave-ho!
Here's one more photo of how the dining room looks today:
Now it's time to empty the dishwasher, toss in some more laundry, get in some sewing for my shop, and then meet some friends this afternoon. Happy Tuesday!
I wrote about our updated, ready for fall, family room here.
sharing with//
centsational girl
It's no secret that our dining room here isn't my favorite space of all time (and I really miss our old dining room, sigh.). It serves double duty now as both a music studio...well, actually triple duty if you consider that the family dog, Ryder, has the monopoly on one corner (his crate fits nowhere else here), and of course, the actual eating part. Furthermore, while waiting to find just the right hutch off Craig's List, my sideboard is really on old TV stand. It's not perfect, but it works for now. So with all that in mind, here's our dining room (and a peek at the kitchen table).
I adore pumpkins and apples, and you can't really ever go wrong when adding those to the mix for fall.
My mother made me the two napkins that I've used as a small table runner right after I got married. I remember that thrill of setting my little newlywed table in our equally little first apartment with these gorgeous napkins from my Mom. I love looking at them and remembering those days.
I love candles too! The ceramic one is Hazelnut Latte, and it always makes me crave coffee - it smells that good! The children take turns lighting the pillars each night at dinner. Candlelight makes everything seem extra special.
The runner is from Guatemala during our stay there while completing Isabelle's adoption. We used to watch the women weaving along the streets and in certain little alleys during our walks into the center of town. Such special memories.
The kitchen table is visible from the dining room, so I keep a simple bowl of fruit and some flowers on it.
Here's a quick look at the dining room's humble beginnings... our very first time walking through last September, when it was used a family room:
(I guess that corner is destined for pianos, ha)
Here's one more photo of how the dining room looks today:
Now it's time to empty the dishwasher, toss in some more laundry, get in some sewing for my shop, and then meet some friends this afternoon. Happy Tuesday!
I wrote about our updated, ready for fall, family room here.
sharing with//
centsational girl
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Saturday Morning Randomness
Totally random post. I started this post days and days ago, but my mind is in jumbles. Proceed with caution. Or just laugh at me. Whatever. ;)
Random Thing #1:
The mornings have been SO DARK recently. It makes it hard to get moving. I'm the type who thinks the day is nearly over by 10 am, and while I'm generally pretty productive, I find myself feeling slightly frazzled at 9:58 and I start rushing around to get every.single.thing.on.my.list done. Weird, I know.
Random Thing #2:
Gravity has shifted. This is my theory anyway, because I refuse to believe that I can no longer manage to paint the upper corners of the bathroom while balancing on the edge of the bathtub. Without difficulty, that is.
Random Thing #3:
Fall is here and it's amazingly beautiful, and it's all going by so very quickly. Which makes me sad. I want certain things to linger, but time keeps bulldozing past us as normal.
Random Thing #4:
I should not be allowed to buy peanut M&Ms. Friends, if you see me with a bag (or 8) in hand, I beg of you, please stop me. At all costs. Even if I tell you that they're just for trail mix. Because I'm lying, right to your face.
Random Thing #5:
These things I can stare down without devouring. But they look so cute on the kitchen counter in my fall tea cup!
Random Thing #6:
Being a Mom is hard work. So many fears and worries and doubts. But my God is bigger than all that, for which I'm forever grateful.
Random Thing #7:
I feel the need to warn anyone contemplating painting their heater a coordinating color - don't do it! Just...don't. Please & Thank you.
Random Thing #8:
I'm having a slight identity crisis. Between my little shop and this blog and what I really want to do (write books) and and and... this is laughable because I'm sure nobody really cares, but it totally stresses me out. Weird. Again. Noticing a trend? =)
Random Thing #9:
I can't stop thinking about the fact that we've been out of our decade+ home for over a year now. One whole year. One whole year! I try and remind myself that it isn't that easy to complete the projects on the To-Do list in this house while, oh I don't know, having a life, taking care of four children, dealing with their schedules. Just the other day, I psyched myself up enough to drive past our old home. And you know? It was okay, it wasn't as painful as it was before. I'm thankful for that. It really helped me start considering this place our home now.
Random Thing #10:
I'm falling hopelessly in love with the baby girl things that I'm supposed to be selling. Her closet will definitely be more loaded with goodies than mine ever will be! Like, ever!!! (Isabelle's always has been. ;) I haven't shared any of her cute fall outfits...I'll try to do that next week.)
That's it for now...Have a wonderful Saturday! We had friends over last night for homemade pizza and a bonfire, and we get to do it again tonight! Well, not pizza again, ha!
Random Thing #1:
The mornings have been SO DARK recently. It makes it hard to get moving. I'm the type who thinks the day is nearly over by 10 am, and while I'm generally pretty productive, I find myself feeling slightly frazzled at 9:58 and I start rushing around to get every.single.thing.on.my.list done. Weird, I know.
Random Thing #2:
Gravity has shifted. This is my theory anyway, because I refuse to believe that I can no longer manage to paint the upper corners of the bathroom while balancing on the edge of the bathtub. Without difficulty, that is.
Random Thing #3:
Fall is here and it's amazingly beautiful, and it's all going by so very quickly. Which makes me sad. I want certain things to linger, but time keeps bulldozing past us as normal.
Random Thing #4:
I should not be allowed to buy peanut M&Ms. Friends, if you see me with a bag (or 8) in hand, I beg of you, please stop me. At all costs. Even if I tell you that they're just for trail mix. Because I'm lying, right to your face.
Random Thing #5:
These things I can stare down without devouring. But they look so cute on the kitchen counter in my fall tea cup!
Random Thing #6:
Being a Mom is hard work. So many fears and worries and doubts. But my God is bigger than all that, for which I'm forever grateful.
Random Thing #7:
I feel the need to warn anyone contemplating painting their heater a coordinating color - don't do it! Just...don't. Please & Thank you.
Random Thing #8:
I'm having a slight identity crisis. Between my little shop and this blog and what I really want to do (write books) and and and... this is laughable because I'm sure nobody really cares, but it totally stresses me out. Weird. Again. Noticing a trend? =)
Random Thing #9:
I can't stop thinking about the fact that we've been out of our decade+ home for over a year now. One whole year. One whole year! I try and remind myself that it isn't that easy to complete the projects on the To-Do list in this house while, oh I don't know, having a life, taking care of four children, dealing with their schedules. Just the other day, I psyched myself up enough to drive past our old home. And you know? It was okay, it wasn't as painful as it was before. I'm thankful for that. It really helped me start considering this place our home now.
Random Thing #10:
I'm falling hopelessly in love with the baby girl things that I'm supposed to be selling. Her closet will definitely be more loaded with goodies than mine ever will be! Like, ever!!! (Isabelle's always has been. ;) I haven't shared any of her cute fall outfits...I'll try to do that next week.)
That's it for now...Have a wonderful Saturday! We had friends over last night for homemade pizza and a bonfire, and we get to do it again tonight! Well, not pizza again, ha!
ps- Here is something new at Rose & Ruffle- what do you think?
(Yes, this one's actually for sale.)
:o)
You can also find me on facebook if you want. Thanks!
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