Feeling Blue

The title of this post sounds pretty lame, but I couldn't even think of a different one. This is probably going to be one of those pity party kind of posts...you've been warned.

I have just tried to write at least six different sentences and have deleted them all. Ugh. My mind is all mucky and I can't even tread through to pull out the words.

Maybe I'll just make a list...

Moving has been so much harder than I thought it would be. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever feel settled again. Well that just brought on more waterworks. Great.

I feel old. Like, old lady old. I still have white trim paint in my hair- it has been nearly 2 weeks now!- but I swear I saw a squiggly white hair taunting me. I yanked it out. Correction: I went to yank it out, grabbed its sister by mistake. So adios to the both of them. And my skin is changing, not for the better- it's so dry and...I don't know...it's like the Volturi guys. People have always commented on my dimples when I smile, only now I've got some weirdo perma-dimple line, smiling or not. Seems like some sort of cruel joke to me, getting punished for being cheery. Letting out deep sigh here. I'm battling some more girl issues, and that just plain makes me feel miserable.

This isn't what I pictured at all when I was a little girl and thought growing up was so glamorous and exciting.

Then there's the stuff that isn't superficial. The stuff that really, truly matters. Marriage, parenting, missions. Important. And completely overwhelming. I just feel like a flat out failure most days. Like I can't do anything right, I won't ever be enough. And life is just passing me by. Birthdays keep coming and our babies aren't babies anymore, and I can't keep up. It's like trying to breathe underwater. Terrifying.

I think I am even a little mad at God. Every so often I really struggle with certain events in my life. I wonder why there has to be so much pain, or maybe what I am supposed to learn from it. I guess sometimes I wish it was all easier. Does that make me sound shallow? I'm just being honest.

Do you know that feeling when you look around you at the hot mess (or messes, in my case) and you know you have to actually physically move in order to even begin to tackle that mess, but you can't? You're so overwhelmed that you don't know where to start, so you don't start anywhere. All you can do is stare. That's how my morning started out, but I gave myself a little pep talk and managed to begin. One small task at a time. I even used my sewing machine here for the first time to finish an Etsy order- that actually made me feel kinda happy.

Now it's late and Bill just made me some chamomile tea. Here is a picture of Isabelle in her bed tonight. I stared at her for a long while, listening to her breathe, watching the glow of her little pink Christmas tree light up her room and her face, thinking, reflecting.

I still feel a little blue, but I'm also thankful for all that I've been blessed with.