Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
1 Corinthians 3:17

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Random Rambling

Yesterday in the car I had the fleeting thought that all 5 Twilight movies could have been filmed here with all this rain and these gray days lately. No CGI necessary. We could be the new Forks of the northeast.

I'm about to ramble and vent. You've been warned.

I miss my home. I've mentioned it only about a thousand times, but I mean, my house. I get so sad thinking about how I will never walk into those rooms ever again.

I was okay when we found out that a prospective birth mother chose another family. Then it happened again. And a second and third time. Six times in all we've heard that we weren't chosen. And I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me.

Why don't they like me?

Then, someone did choose us! I was elated! 

The baby girl was born five days ago. Her mother decided she couldn't go through with the adoption. My heart aches for them both because they are facing many hurdles, so I will keep praying for them. I want the very best for them, but it's still hard.

I got an email from one of the youth workers at our new church outlining the night's activities and such, remind parents to go over this and that with their children for tonight. Didn't do that. Then I see there's a photo attached at the end of the email- it's during group time, and Ethan is easy to spot, relaxed, surrounded by tons of people. But I don't see Jonah. The photo was huge so I had to move the cursor over to see the whole thing, and then I spot him. Arms nervously clutched in front, standing off to the side, all alone. There is a whole room full of kids and adults, and here is my not-so-little little boy all by himself. It kills me.

I joined a new Bible Study last week, which is great,'s at our old church. It feels a little weird. I love the women who are in the group, and it's a wonderful study,'s my old church. I know the people there are good people who love the Lord- and they are busy and have their own lives- but it still hurts so much that nobody seemed to care when we left. I end up crying about it once or twice a week. Or more. Sigh.

I also started a Pilates class last week. This is really good. Except when I constantly see myself in the mirrors- which are, um, everywhere- and I don't like the person staring back at me.

My jeans are missing. Have no idea where they got put, and obviously, packed away. I hate shopping so much because I cry every time I see the size number and I refuse to buy a bigger size, but then can never find anything that fits right. How stupid is this? But I still do it. The problem is, I literally have three outfits to wear.

I got brave and tried on a zillion things- okay, it was 17- at Target the other night. I left the store in tears without a single thing.

Then, to make that night even awesomer, I decided I'd feel better if I took out The Scissors and lobbed off an inch or so of my hair -I recently cut a few inches off, and it has been growing out in that ridiculous triangle shape. I'm thinking of Marge Simpson's sisters, Zelda and???..didn't they have triangular hair?

 So anyway, this did not make me feel better. At all.

Nor did the Shape magazine -or magazine cover, I should say-that arrived in the mail the next day. I still have no idea where this subscription came from. It may end. Soon.

I am not a high-maintenance kind of girl, even when I try. Things don't end well when I have a blow dryer or flat iron in hand. Or eye shadow/liner. Not once in my life have I ever liked any make-up on, under, or around my eyes.

Am I having an early mid-life crisis?

My husband sweetly tells me that he is proud of me and all I can think is what a failure I am. I think of the cookies I never made for soccer practice, the friends I have forgotten to call/write/make plans with, the laundry that never gets done here, the Bible verses I always forget about until Truth Trackers Wednesday night, the piles of fabric that were supposed to be adorable dresses, skirts and nightgowns, all the times I mess up as a wife and parent, the PTO fundraising deadlines I missed. The list goes on and on.
  In church we're told to come alongside younger women to encourage them, but when I think about how and when to do this, I keep coming back to the same realization: I don't have anything of value to offer, nothing worth sharing. I wonder how many other women feel like that.

I know God made us all and we all have something valuable to offer the world and the people around us, but the lies speak so much louder than the Truth at times. 

Why are you so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 42:5


Theresa said...

I have had a similar post floating around in my head for the last couple of weeks. I feel so overwhelmed by so much. Though our circumstances aren't the same, I completely understand feeling like the failures outweigh the accomplishments and the disappoint shines brighter than the joy at times, but I've learned that God never fails to turn things around. Just when you think you can't take another step along this path, something changes. And it can be no one but Him who altered that path and brought back perspective and faith in yourself. I know you will feel this soon. Much love. You are a MOM. The job description should list overworked, over-tired, overwhelmed.. well you get the idea. Take care of yourself and believe what your husband says. Truly believe it. I hope you're feeling more positively soon!

Sonnie said...

For one thing you are perfect. But I know not being the weight you are comfortable with is an unhappy feeling. Recently I stopped eating all grains, yes no bread, rice, oatmeal....anything that is a grain. I eat spinach and hard boil eggs for breakfast, lots and lots of salads, green beans, asparagus, no corn, carrots, peas. The first week you think you are dying because you are hungry. I'm on my third week and really I have no desire to eat a cookie or a piece of cake. I did breakdown and eat a piece of Gluten Free bread Udie's Millet-Chia. It is do die for but I limit myself to a slice once a week. I have lost 5 lbs. Exercising certainly helps. You can do it.

The Long Awaited Home said...

I live in New Hampshire too, and it seems as though it is never going to stop raining! I am enjoying reading through your blog and getting to know you and your family through it. My heart breaks for you as you go through the heartbreak of trying to adopt another child. It seems there are many things heavy on your heart right now. I don't know what your struggles are but God surely does. I will add you to my prayer list. Keep your chin up, the sun will come out again!


Sonnie said...

I happen to remember reading about the heart break of adoption you have had and are going through. We have gone through the same thing with our daughter and her husband. Just remember the child God has planned for you will show up, it has nothing to do with you, it is all in Gods timing. We had three awful let downs but we now have 2 of the most beautiful, talented, smart grandchildren that have been added to our family. My daughter finally decided to not dwell on the negative and started with a more positive outlook and God answered their pray!!

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