The Dance of Grief and Joy

I've heard it many times before, and in lots of different ways. You won't feel complete in this lifetime. You weren't meant for this world. There will always be an emptiness this side of heaven. There will remain an ache, a void... It's true. All of it.

And lately I'm finding myself stuck in the aching.

I still cry over our failed adoption last fall. I have known grief before, but this somehow feels different. More final. Maybe this is God saying No when I really want to hear a Yes. Then, this fall, another big loss that I can't share just yet. And what I'm struggling the most with now is how to balance that dance of grief and joy. I'm struggling to savor the moments- and the people- right in front of me because the emptiness inside feels more encompassing. I know this isn't how God wants me to live, this dwelling on loss, and I don't want to live this way either.

I want to be fully present and alive and joy-filled with my family! Something in my heart isn't reaching what it's in my head. Or vice versa. I want our moments to count, to really count, and not just go through the motions. I don't want to waste our time together wishing things could be different, always focused on what feels like is missing. Because then I miss out on everything that's right in front of me. And I have been given so very much.

You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.

Psalm 18:28

'In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.'

John 16:33b

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Hebrews 13:8